Welcome to the New World Order.
If I feel things go too well, I get lazy and unfocused. I find I seek drama/conflict/unpredictability in others at times in order to satisfy a need I don’t often have the energy or wherewithal to provide myself. At least on a consistent enough basis. I currently find myself fighting the urge to, in essence, fuck everything all to hell.
I’m learning to be an adult. Right now. I’m learning to be comfortable being one, and looking ahead to a future where I can look to the past at the person I was, laugh, and feel no regret I’ve left it behind. I believe I’m there, but I am fully conscious of the struggle within. I’ve never been an alcoholic or drug addict, and have no idea what it’s like what sobriety in the face of addictions such as those are. But there are many addictions, many tendencies, many influences.
I don’t think I had any clue what I’ve been doing to myself over the past few years, and just how difficult it would be to stop, even faced with, logically, much healthier, happier, and positive alternatives. In essence, I’m having to do this all on my own, and while I’m not finding it especially difficult, I wonder when exactly it will get easier.
Maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe it’ll be all worth it when I’m sitting on a beach in Hawaii in three months. I hope.
