Departures
I think it’s safe to say I’m over this set of classes and long for upcoming stress-free days. I’ve been doing pretty well to this point. I think I have shots at As in all my classes. If I get a B in anything it’s due to the initial adjustment period that was shaking off 15+ years of cobwebs accumulated collecting life lessons outside of classrooms. Going forward, for the foreseeable future, I should be fine. As long as I don’t procrastinate. That’s always been the issue. Along with ‘I can’t’ or ‘I don’t know how’ or ‘I’m frustrated to the point of inaction.’
Thankfully, I haven’t fallen into the trap of ‘Wow, I’m an idiot. I should have done this years ago.’ And while that statement is true in ways I won’t contemplate, it doesn’t matter anymore. I tend not to think in terms of everything happening for particular reasons, at least in terms of divinity. I think people go where they need to go. Sometimes it’s a series of decisions that lead them to a place, a person, or a precipice that forces a decision. But I think subconsciously we all know know where we need to go. These desires, wants, needs, one way or the other, bubble to the surface until ignoring them becomes futile.
For me, before I got in my car and drove 4200 miles west, there was a period of debate. My head weighed the pros and cons of looming sea change. Once I’d come to the conclusion I couldn’t go, that leaving would be running away from things, leaving would represent failure, leaving would be giving up – worthlessness, uselessness, pathetic, pointless – all that was left was My Truth. Someone once told me to get out of my own way. I realized the fact that I was even at the point when I could make that decision, the one to go, was just another event in the long, difficult process of getting out of my own way. Whatever was within driving me to do the things I’ve done and yet aspire to do wasn’t going away. The knot in my stomach that remained post-decision to stay promised me it would stay too, and that it was all I’d have, and all I’d have to cling to for many years to come.
I thought about how insane that was, and how I couldn’t do that to myself anymore. I’d come too far, and it was time to take the next step. I packed my car with everything I thought I’d need for my journey the night before. The following afternoon, I left. I said goodbye to three people. My mom. My father. My best friend. My father was a phone call, on the entrance ramp for the Long Island Expressway. I’m leaving. I’m putting this all behind me. I’m not coming back.
And I am a living sign..
I realize I endlessly wax poetic about intentions to blog regularly, get sidetracked, then disappear, but after this month I’ll be gifted some time on my hands, and my contributions here will increase. Expect lots of posts about Oakland\San Francisco, with photos.
a brick in the small of the back again
And so another transition looms.
I haven’t lived with anyone romantically since I was 23. I’m not frightened at the prospect, but I do recognize there will be a latent desire within me to correct the mistakes of the past. And oh, were there many. I suspect L-, with all her good intentions, possesses a slice as well. I do recall the last time I had such ‘restrictions’ placed on me. I didn’t exactly take to the experience. I like to think I’ve learned much, the years have brought maturity, composure, and I’m in the position to flourish in a happy, healthy and stable relationship.
Time to prove it, buddy.
I am excited to begin life anew. I feel no matter what happens, I’m heading precisely where I’m meant to be. I am fiercely me. I make no excuses.
Through the (E)motions
Blog. Right. Current status of existence continues to wind down to the final, remaining days. At times I am overly anxious and eager to move onward. I can’t say I’m overly enthused until that happens, but I maintain the fact that I’m very lucky indeed and while things could always be better, the opportunity for Much Worse was there for quite some time. I’ve satisfactorily moved on from all that, I’d say, but realizations memories and events from the ‘too close to home and too near the bone’ past will continue to haunt, despite best efforts. New, happy memories are establishing themselves, and it’s crystal clear I’m moving in the right direction. I’m certainly in love, as much as I’ve ever been. With life, friendship, and romance. With ‘what’s next!’.
What is next? A move north, to Oakland, with L-. A very busy October, including a well-deserved, much discussed trip to Hawaii. I’ve never been. After that, back to looking for work. Perhaps something part time, as I want and need school to become an active part of my present again. Getting into shape. Into real shape. I want look in the mirror in the morning and have no question about whether I’m in the best shape of my life, mind, body, and soul. Rebirth is my interest. Reforming and rearranging is my goal.
niblets
Just like regular exercise, at some point, blogging will become a habit. These days have me running around, breathing, taking in, enjoying. Soon enough, there will be time to explore and reflect. Tomorrow is an excellent day to begin. More then..
Welcome to the New World Order.
If I feel things go too well, I get lazy and unfocused. I find I seek drama/conflict/unpredictability in others at times in order to satisfy a need I don’t often have the energy or wherewithal to provide myself. At least on a consistent enough basis. I currently find myself fighting the urge to, in essence, fuck everything all to hell.
I’m learning to be an adult. Right now. I’m learning to be comfortable being one, and looking ahead to a future where I can look to the past at the person I was, laugh, and feel no regret I’ve left it behind. I believe I’m there, but I am fully conscious of the struggle within. I’ve never been an alcoholic or drug addict, and have no idea what it’s like what sobriety in the face of addictions such as those are. But there are many addictions, many tendencies, many influences.
I don’t think I had any clue what I’ve been doing to myself over the past few years, and just how difficult it would be to stop, even faced with, logically, much healthier, happier, and positive alternatives. In essence, I’m having to do this all on my own, and while I’m not finding it especially difficult, I wonder when exactly it will get easier.
Maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe it’ll be all worth it when I’m sitting on a beach in Hawaii in three months. I hope.
The Jam – ‘News Of The World’
Read about the things that happen throughout the world
Don’t believe in everything you see or hear
The neighbours talking day in day out about the goings on
They tell us what they want – they don’t give an inch
Look at the pictures taken by the cameras they cannot lie
The truth is in what you see – not what you read
Little men tapping things out – points of view
Remember their views are not the gospel truth
Don’t believe it all
Find out for yourself
Check before you spread
News of the world
Never doubt
Never ask
Never moan
Never search
Never find
Never know
Each morning our key to the world comes through the door
More than often its just a comic, not much more
Don’t take it too serious – not many do
Read between the lines and you’ll find the truth
Read all about it, read all about it – news of the world
3D vision and the California blues.
Before I begin, let me just mention how much I love my new Macbook Pro. (If you know me, you knew this was coming.) It’s currently backing up 45GBs of data via Time Machine, ripping and converting a Buzzcocks DVD to the hard drive, playing tunes, and generally looking svelte, modern, and gorgeous without batting an eyelash. I love, love, love, love it, and I shall metamorphose L- from a veritable technophobe to a user and lover of devices such as the aforementioned, and.. the iPhone. It may be a hard sell, but I’m always ready for the sales pitch. She already has AT&T. I mean, really. iPhone. Get one, L-. Get one soon.
I found myself pondering when exactly the last time I found myself knee-deep in a normal (take that for what it’s worth), healthy, loving relationship was. For the life of me, I can’t remember. Never? The stark contrast between my most recent contacts (one of which I’m not quite as separated from as I need to be) and current relationship only serves to underline in big, bold letters: THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN MISSING. Yes. Will this last? I really hope so. If it doesn’t, I had it for a while, know it’s out there, and know what to look for. I will settle for nothing less. (I hate to immediately launch into multimedia accompanied by lyrical enhancement, but reminded myself of it, and here it is.)
I wanna be bigger, stronger, drive a faster car,
To take me anywhere in seconds,
To take me anywhere I wanna go,
And drive around a faster car,
I will settle for nothing less,
I will settle for nothing less.
I wanna be big and strong and drive a faster car,
At the touch of a button,
I can go anywhere I wanna go,
And drive around my faster car,
I will settle nothing less,
I will settle nothing less.
I think I want to change my attitude
I think I want to change my altitude
I think I want to change my atmosphere
I wanna be bigger, stronger, drive a faster car,
To take me anywhere in seconds,
To take me anywhere I wanna go,
And drive around my faster car,
I will settle nothing less,
I will settle nothing less.
I think I want to change my altitude
I think I want to change my position
I think I want to change my atmosphere
Bigger and better
Bigger and better
Bigger and better
Bigger and better
Bigger, stronger, drive a faster car
At the touch of a button
I’ll go anywhere I want to go
308.
Divine, sun-splashed Saturday in NorCal, at work, cemented inside. No windows. Fans whir. Faux grins. Status quo. Tomorrow: repeat. Could be in Vegas with girlfriend observing human marvels of low order in controlled environment. No windows. Second-hand smoke. Greed. Su madre. Cirque du Soleil. Cher. Baked dry in Nevada heat.
Rain showers after an early rise Monday. Dress well. Arrive first. Find parking. Roses. Keep hidden. Phone call. Embrace. Kiss. Love. Cats. Dulce música.
